21
Jul
2018

Finally! The Cure For Vaginal Ants Is Here!

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

Proctor&Pfizer released the first FDA approved OTC treatment for vaginal (and likely rectal) ants.

 

Boric Life, the breakthrough ant control, follows the same development arc as everyone’s little blue friend, Viagra. Originally tested as a yeast infection treatment, the scientists performing the study discovered what can only be thought of as the breakthrough discovery of the century.  “We have never seen such a high level of efficacy in a treatment!” Dr. Hugh Jass, Director of the Center For Kardashian studies, proclaimed.

 

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09
Jul
2018

IT’S NOT NICE TO FINE MOTHER NATURE...

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

Fort Collins Police finally nabbed their prime suspect in Wednesday’s illegal fireworks exhibition. “While no contraband pyrotechnics were found on her person, we are confident we have the right perpetrator. “ a confidential inside source revealed.

 

DINA “Mother Nature” DIETRICH has been charged with multiple city code violations, flight to avoid arrest, and resisting arrest, claiming to be a “force of nature” that arresting officers would rue the day they met her.

 

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08
Jul
2018

Fort Collins Man Wins Big at the AVM Awards!

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

Seymour Butz, (pictured)  oilfield truck driver and now part time adult film star recently walked away with “Most Convincing Self Love Moment” award, in spite of the fact that he was not even aware of the recording. 

 

“The video was so great, we just awarded it even though the award night is still 6 months away!” Commented Harry Richards, temporary spokespersun for AVM.com.

 

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With the recent years of extended drought and semi-arid climate anyway, the potential for fire is an ever present threat.  In response, City Council has determined that the potential risk is far too great and a total banning of all fireworks was necessary. 

 

In a statement released by city council spokesmodel, Olga Martinez-O’Reilly “We wanted to deter the temptation to engage on the growing of snakes or the delight of contraband sparklers, so we put together a list of potential fines that equal the average homeowner’s insurance loss deductibles” 

 

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22
Jun
2018

Vaccines Causing A New Third Nipple Pandemic

Posted by Archibald Sutherby

A new study from NYU has proven a scientific link between childhood vaccinations and a physical deformation causing a 30% increase in the chance of growing a third nipple. This comes complete with a third additional large areola/nipple in both males and females.  The full disclosure of these studies can be found at: https://www.nyu.edu/content/nyu/en.html

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