President Donald Trump has just cured the government shutdown and secured all democratic votes next election in a heart felt Outreach Program Initiative signed just moments ago. The new program gives all Democrats and people who identify as Democrats free tide pods to help offset the high cost of these meals. Democrats across the country “Cheer” as he signed the Initiative and are calling it a better program than President Barrack Obama’s Free Phone program. This is being hailed as his biggest accomplishment since he has taken the White House.
A strange smell was reported across the entire city of Austin yesterday, 100’s of phone calls were made to police, it was people complaining about an off smell taking over the city and asking if there was a fish market in town. The smell resulted in 2 deaths and 24 inhalation related injuries. After emergency responders spending hours tracking the smell down from the outskirts of the city limits to the center, they finally uncovered the smell and it was a first.
Casper, WY will have a snow day Monday the 22nd. Natrona County school district decided to give kids a day to play in the 10-14” of snow we received. School officials said “We’re tired of always being the ‘bad’ guys to some parents that can’t get students to school and we think this will help the non-prepared”
So hangout and enjoy a day of football and hope the Patriots lose and enjoy the snow day tomorrow.
3 local students at K&W Highschool have been suspended on reports that after practice they pulled a freshman aside and said, “penis” in his ear, twice. The community is outraged and is asking for the parents and kids to be publicly executed while asking for a more peaceful school system by adding military security in every school. The students are not allowed back in school until the investigation is over with.
With the Super Bowl fast approaching, fans are anxiously waiting to see who the participants will be. We will all find out Sunday, but first much discussion has come up about what is wrong with Tom Brady's hand. Apparently, the hand was somehow injured prior to the AFC championship game this week during practice. Casper Planet has received information from a credible source that Tom Brady's hand is actually not injured at all. He has been sitting out practice and wearing gloves to keep the moisture from the lotion in so that his hands remain soft and not dried out.
Sources are telling us that getting the flu shot will KILL you and it’s true. DONT GIVE YOUR KIDS POISON!!
The new Presidential candy is not M&Ms or Jelly beans, nope, it’s a Yuge pack of bubble gum that comes in a flavor called snowflake mint which triggered one city in California, A city by the name of San Diego. The city was named after Saint Diago from Germany, when translated to English, it spells, whales vagina. This gum is only available to visitors to the White House but do to its high demand, 1,000 units will be auctioned to the public. They plan to announce the auction date on Tuesday.
Hipster couple, Anita Bathe and Cody Pendant are the first people to come forward and claim to be, “Cleangans”, you may be asking yourself, what is a cleangan? Let us tell you. A cleangan is someone who lives offf of cleaning detergent, they have the beliefs that since it can clean your clothes, it can clean your soles. The couple says they enjoy the more natural flavors such as lavender and sea breeze but when they are feeling edgy the will drop some original.
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The President gave out his awards yesterday for fake news and Casper Planet places third in the running’s against the most professional fake news companies there is. We are honored and look forward to topping that list next year! Thank you everyone for helping us get here.
1) The New York Times’ Paul Krugman claiming markets would ‘never’ recover from Trump presidency
2) ABC News' Brian Ross’ bungled report on former national security adviser Michael Flynn
3) Casper Planet for being a shit hole.