01
Mar
2018

A Very Important Member is Missing!

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

John Wayne Bobbits Penis Escaped!

 

Lorena Bobbit reported the escaped member to  Manassas police this afternoon, reporting that the moving member left a note telling her they were through and it was moving west!

 

“Jumbo” (pictured) was reportedly named such by the Long Island Lolita herself.  A name Lorena became fond of after she separated Jumbo from JW’s care.

 

Lorena is very worried and Manassas police are offering a reward for the return of the wayward junk.

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Over 200 earthquakes have been recorded in Yellowstones Park in the last week, these earthquakes, have triggered a ground eruption along with strange activity such as winter lightning.

“I would say that this is something to worry about. This is not a common process that goes on in and around Yellowstone; it appears to be how stress gets relieved as a part of volcano-tectonic eruption” said Geologist Mike Litsmel.

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26
Feb
2018

Wyoming’s Rabbeer Numbers More Than Triple Since 1965

Posted by Peter Christofferson

This year, Rabbeer Numbers are nearly triple what they were in 1965. The Rabbeer faced extinction in the early 1960’s when their soft and easy to work with fur skyrocketed. They were hard to trap and only located in a 278 square mile area in Wyoming known as Wind River Canyon. The Wind River Canyon was especially hard to trap with its extreme terrain of cliffs and slide areas, along with a high population of poisonous rattle and scorpions. The Rabbeers only competition before the great fur trade of the early 1900’s were Big Horn Sheep, both fought over territory. 

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22
Feb
2018

Spot On Weather Update

Posted by Peter Christofferson

Yesterdays weather forecast, here is what the temperature will do and the winds.

Maximum temperature yesterday: 18 °F (at 3:53 pm)
Minimum temperature yesterday: -6 °F (at 6:53 am)
Average temperature yesterday: 8 °F

Highest wind speed: 18 mph to the NE

Stay tuned tomorrow for Today’s forecast

 

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21
Feb
2018

Crisis Actors Worry That Their Jobs Are On The Line

Posted by Peter Christofferson

Professional crisis actors are on edge about their futures. After many conspiracy groups have brought forward numerous, “actors” for “live” interviews on major news networks after major tragedies, the actors are scared that the public will now be outraged and ban crisis acting. The crisis acting president said in a statement,”Who needs real victims? Real victims are confused, too distraught by the events they just went through. With crisis acting, you get a clear speaking individual that is also available to swing the conversation towards anyone’s agenda.

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18
Feb
2018

MXC is Back!

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

Vic Romano  and Kenny Blankenship (pictured), along with the field marshal Captain Tenneal will be returning to the airwaves to bring the most in depth sports reporting to ever grace tv. Unfortunately, field reporter Guy LeDouche is all washed up and lost to the summer breeze.

 

Be sure to check back often for more breaking sports news!

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18
Feb
2018

Your Bachelor Pad Has a New Maid Service!

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

Denver’s hottest secret, “Denver Players, Denver Sugar” has announced its rebranding as an out-call maid service with Denver Mayor Michael Hancock as spokes persun.   “We are excited that our Hook- err Maids will be recalled and put back to work after such a long hiatus!”

 

We are very excited about Denver’s return to relevancy!  Aren’t you?

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17
Feb
2018

MMA is MMGay?

Posted by Trip McNeally

A recent study proved a positive correlation between mixed martial arts fighters and homosexuality. The study, conducted by UCLA and Yale scientists, tested 10,000 subjects who have previously, or currently do compete in mixed martial arts. The subjects were given an anonymous questionaire, a verbal interview, and a penile reaction test. The anonymous questionaire showed a strong link between MMA fighters and having sexual relations with other men.

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In the wake of his latest olympic gold medal, Shawn White has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. The results came back just after the medal ceremony. Performance enhancing drugs have been banned from all olympic events, including snowboarding. Some say it comes as no surprise that a degenerate like White would get caught up in the dope game while others still remain shocked that such an icon could succumb to the temptations of steroids.

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