26
May
2018

Wolf Like Creature Shot In Montana DNA Results Released

Posted by Peter Christofferson

Wolf Like Creature Shot In Montana Has Unusual DNA Results

The wolf like creature shot in Denton last week had its DNA returned and the results are startling. 

The My Ancestry results came back as

10% African American 
30% Scottish
45% New Wales
72% Latin American 

Montana Fish and Game said this is the first 45% New Wales they have had in the state and believe it may have been here illegally. Fish and Game also gave tips on how to react in a situation if you came face to face with one.

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    Will Hutchison, a longtime resident of North Bend, Washington State, Recently experienced some dynamic life style changes. Growing up in his adolescent years, Will didn't quite fit in well with the ladies. His shy demeanor only compounded the embarrassing fact that his manhood... wasn't quite what was expected. Until recently, Will has replaced this lack of braun with his personal array of full sized diesel fueled pick-up trucks as well as his collection of Harley-Davidson Motorcycles with their overly loud, and annoying presence.

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Local bouncer, Brandon, aka Chief, a slightly racist moniker which he embraces, has once again taken a Facebook quiz. As previous results have confirmed, he's doomed to fail them. This time, however, is a different story.

The quiz was about Marvel Superheros. Brandon borrowed a phone and looked up the answers. Not realizing that he was looking up DC Comics, Brandon answered all of the questions wrong. Normally, he would just exit out of the quiz without posting his results. This time was different. He accidentally posted his results and tagged all both of his friends.

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24
May
2018

Gentlemen, Start Your Bassboat Engines!

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

ANGLERS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!

 

Colorado Fish and Game has just announced the 22nd Annual Memorial Day Weekend CatFishing Contest!

 

This year’s focus will be Brooke trout and river walleye.  Catch and release rules apply and there is an 6.5 inch minimum with a hat trick limit of three entries per day.  No catfishing will be allowed, as that just leaves you holding an empty hook.

 

Please, only entrants over 18 will be allowed in with a special prizes for the cougar hunters and the silver foxes that just want to get their poles wet.

 

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24
May
2018

The Accounting Nerds Strike Back

Posted by Howie Phelt-Ersnatz

Pentagon Audit Gone Wrong!

 

In a surprise move even Rand Paul didn’t see coming, the Pentagon’s books are being audited.  No, really.

 

Bob, from accounting, said that the project, estimated to cost $345,000,000.38, should be completed in early fall. Just in time for campaign season in the bottom hemisphere. “We suspect that a few rounding errors should account for the $9 trillion dollars that are missing.”

 

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23
May
2018

Autocorrect Almost Starts WWIII

Posted by Bob Sayther
iMessage conversation Trump and Kim Jong Un.

In a message exchange with notorious hot-head Kim Jong Un, President Donald Trump sent the message "Send nukes" when autocorrect changed "nudes" to "nukes." When asked about the mistake, Trump quickly replied that he's been sleeping with Kim Kardashian and Caitlyn Jenner, and had been requesting photographs from both when the accident occurred. A forensic analysis of Trump's phone indicated that he, in fact, was telling the truth.

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23
May
2018

Hawaii Lava Flow Uncovering Dinosaur Fossils

Posted by Peter Christofferson

The recent eruption of the Hawaiian islands is having some unexpected side effects. The lava flow is stripping the surface of the island uncovering tribes of dinosaur fossils never known to exist on the island, some the species never seen before including a dinosaur four times larger than the T Rex. Geologists are at the island following the flows of lava uncovering parts of the dinosaur age never seen before.

 

Some of the fossils found are intact full bodies of brontosaurus, Agineasaur, Uncircomsizasaurus and a plethora of others, including one hominid skull.

 

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18
May
2018

White Man Creates Spiciest Ice Cream In The World

Posted by Peter Christofferson

A local white man Sereo Type has created the spiciest ice cream, he has been obsessed with creating the worlds spiciest ice cream for well over a decade. Sereo started out using the worlds hottest peppers, yet he found them to not be that spice he was searching for. Sereo also experimented with types of acid and peppers but still not the correct mixture, then one day, it hit him.

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