Nick Ayers Rejects Chief of Staff Position to Fight

Nick Ayers on the All Valley Karate Poster

Vice President Mike Pence's chief of staff, Nick Ayers, has announced that he'll be quitting politics at the end of the year to pursue his real passion.

Thirty-four years ago, everything in Nick Ayers' life was perfect. He was the king of Charles Evans Hughes Jr. High School, he was dating the captain of the cheerleading squad, and he was the reigning All Valley Tournament Champion with an astounding undefeated record. All that came crashing down when a youngster from New Jersey came to Reseda, CA and started attending the same school. Daniel Laruso, or Dan as he prefers now, successfully stole Nick's girlfriend and was able to sneak in a cheap shot and destroy the undefeated record Ayers' had been so proud of.

"That was the day I knew things had to change. I took to politics to learn the ways of the savage. I became Mike Pence's chief of staff and we began my training. After years of blood, sweat, and tears, I am now confident that I can easily knock that punk-bitch Daniel Laruso out. I appreciate the consideration to become the White House Chief of Staff, but I'm departing at the end of the year to compete in the All Valley Karate Championships."

Ayers has noted that he'll be streaming his tournament on Facebook Live "so the world can see the look on Laruso's dumb face when I crane kick his nads through his throat."

Infinity +1 Snews has reached out and we have confirmed reports that Ayers has been traveling back and forth to California and attending seminars at the Cobra Kai dojo. He's changed his signature for all of his emails to end with, "A Man Can't See, A Man Can't Fight." Our team will be entering our bid for press passes to have live coverage of the event, including interviews.

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