Denver Man Comes Home to Find Package Not Stolen!

Long time Denver resident, John Strichmädchen, came home after work yesterday evening to find his package still sitting on the doorstep.


“I spent all day fretting because I agreed to work an extra shift. I was like ‘SHIT! That package is arriving today!’ Now I am wondering what the hell is wrong with me? Is my stuff just not good enough?” Mr. Strichmädchen said in an interview early this morning.  We will be setting up a account to raise money to cover therapy costs to help with John’s self esteem.  Please donate today.

There has been a disturbing rise in unstolen parcels this gift giving season, a trend that has Det. Jack Assina sees as troubling for the underground economy in Denver.


The biggest concern voiced about this new trend is what the law abiding citizens of our fair city are going to do with all that crap that has been ordered from eBay and Amazon.  In the words of the immortal George Carlin, they are going to have to move soon, because they won’t have room for all of this unstolen stuff...


Critics of the legalization of marijuana are blaming the spike in unstolen packaged on the motivation stealing side effects of marijuana.  Obviously, we need to repeal the legalization laws to restore balance to the stuff universe.


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